Originally published 16/10/2017
In a world of stereotypes, I am not a ‘stereotypical’ gay woman. I actually don’t identify as a Lesbian (much to my girlfriend’s amusement), and it wouldn’t feel right for me to write this piece labelling myself as such.
I have no idea what all of the pride flags mean (although I did learn at my first pride event in Manchester that the one with the paw was not for gay pets…), and I still have to think quite hard about what the letters LGBT….Q…..I….actually mean, and I’ve never seen tipping the velvet (shock) and the only famous lesbian I know is Ellen. And her wife. Oh wait, I’ve actually been to a book reading by Sue Perkins, so make that 3.
And, I’ve never ‘come out’ at work.
Yet, I am out, if out means I happily talk about my family life with Emma and our 2 kids to work colleagues? In fact, they are my screen saver on my workplace computer…is that out enough, should I do more? Suggestions on a postcard pleaseJ.
When I met Emma, I had never been with another woman and I classed myself as a ‘normal’ (oooh sharp intake of breath for using the word normal) heterosexual woman. But then it turned out pretty quickly that my soulmate was the same gender as me, and who was I to fight that?
Having identified as a straight woman for 20+ years, I never had to think about coming out, or what my rights were, or who to speak to for support. When I told my friends and family about my relationship, all but 1 person understood and accepted it without question, but it was that one person who made me realise that much to my naiveté, the world wasn’t a Disney movie (if you know me you’ll understand this saddens me greatly) and that some people don’t think that everyone deserves their Happily Ever After if that doesn’t come packaged up as a man and a woman. It was, and still is heart-breaking because for me, I can’t understand how anyone can think that the love Emma and I have is ‘unnatural’ or ‘disgusting’ or just plain ‘wrong’.
So what about work? Well, after facing the difficulties in my personal relationship with a family member over my ‘deciding to be a lesbian because I was lonely’ (yes really, apparently that’s what I did, who knew!?), I had a very firm thought in my mind that what people did or did not think at work was their problem and so therefore I have never formally ‘come out’. Instead, when colleagues ask about my evenings or weekends, I simply tell them what I had been up to with Emma and the kids, and let them decide how they want to proceed. Fortunately for me I have been lucky enough to have colleagues across various jobs who have never felt the need to segregate me, mock me, or just not talk to me because of my choice to be with a woman, but I know now that this can be a problem for many women in the professional workplace.
A little over 2 years ago, Emma and I launched Le CakePop, our now award winning cake company (I’m going to pretend that you have all heard of us at this point, because I like to think we are way more famous than we actually are!), and very much put on a united front about not only being women in business, but women in a same sex relationship in business, working and living together and inadvertently but not entirely unexpectedly (due to excessive cake making) getting a little bit fatter together. It was important to us to feel empowered to be who we are not just creatively, but as a couple. And it was and still is important for us to show that we are very much together personally and professionally. For us, we weren’t looking for acceptance, we just weren’t looking to hide.So what about work? Well, after facing the difficulties in my personal relationship with a family member over my ‘deciding to be a lesbian because I was lonely’ (yes really, apparently that’s what I did, who knew!?), I had a very firm thought in my mind that what people did or did not think at work was their problem and so therefore I have never formally ‘come out’. Instead, when colleagues ask about my evenings or weekends, I simply tell them what I had been up to with Emma and the kids, and let them decide how they want to proceed. Fortunately for me I have been lucky enough to have colleagues across various jobs who have never felt the need to segregate me, mock me, or just not talk to me because of my choice to be with a woman, but I know now that this can be a problem for many women in the professional workplace.
A little over 2 years ago, Emma and I launched Le CakePop, our now award winning cake company (I’m going to pretend that you have all heard of us at this point, because I like to think we are way more famous than we actually are!), and very much put on a united front about not only being women in business, but women in a same sex relationship in business, working and living together and inadvertently but not entirely unexpectedly (due to excessive cake making) getting a little bit fatter together. It was important to us to feel empowered to be who we are not just creatively, but as a couple. And it was and still is important for us to show that we are very much together personally and professionally. For us, we weren’t looking for acceptance, we just weren’t looking to hide.
The LGBT community has shown me in many ways that acceptance comes in many different forms. It’s the gay man parading through Glasgow at Pride in nothing but feathers and glitter, the same as it’s the gay friend who doesn’t tell the world they are gay, but instead lives in the assumption that the people who need to know, know. It’s the woman who talks incessantly about other women, or parts of other women, or being with women without being sorry….for me, it’s about being me.
On a daily basis I sing at my desk, Disney, pop, random 80’s stuff…. I laugh way more loudly than anyone should in an office environment mostly because I think I am hilarious, and occasionally because I am actually hilarious. I have a stationery collection that would make the owners of WH Smith proud, and glittery stuff adorns my desk. That’s just who I am. I do none of these things or have none of these things because I am in a same sex relationship.
Coming out in the work place should not be scary. Being gay and having a job should not hold us back professionally. Empowering each other to be who we are, gay, straight, queer, male, female, fat, thin, tall, short, these things don’t define us. They don’t make me better or worse at my job than my colleague sitting next to me.
Find your self-worth. Accept yourself. Be yourself. Only then can the best things happen.
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